People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time