me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Oh thanks BBC.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..