I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
You Might Also Like
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”