“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.