No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.