Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.