Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
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How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
…u ok Nintendo?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.