I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
A duv-egg? In this economy?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.