*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure