I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.