OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Solving a traffic jam
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t