Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Has there ever been a more American story?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.