English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar