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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour