*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
reminder
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”