Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch