I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”