friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Wait a minute
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?