I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 still tired or already tired.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
You never need to ask if there鈥檚 something in my pocket. I鈥檓 never happy to see anyone.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I鈥檒l allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
cicadas cotton eyed joe
馃
where did they come from?
where did they go????
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
It鈥檚 kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I鈥檓 an astronaut.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener