I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.