Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano