I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Chicken bread
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke