Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
handsome & gretel
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.