good work, detective
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
happy friday
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning