My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You Might Also Like
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table