‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.