I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.