I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I’m being attacked 😭
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.