I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.