Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
You Might Also Like
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t