[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
You Might Also Like
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My teenage children choosing violence
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Every. Damn. Time.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?