One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now