“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then