You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Shower sex be like:
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.