Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…