best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I’m awake but I object,
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call