5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Favourite diary entry ever
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Perfect