Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’