Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it