Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.