Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly