“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon