*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.