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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
What’s a Messi?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It鈥檚 a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It鈥檚 too early in the day to hate you this much.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Just looked up my son鈥檚 search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl鈥檚 Virginias.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The chickens in my neighbor鈥檚 coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I鈥檝e done.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 馃槈
date: yes 馃槈
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.