“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught