You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet