My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.