Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?