Grandmother clock.
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
This meeting could have been a cake
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh