I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.